not being cool...

I'm tired...
I woke up to the feeling of a wall in my face and my kitchen floor on my feet, oh thats right because I slept in a hallway... poor working conditions? Maybe... but definitely so worth it,  last night I had about 16 high school girls over for a sleep over.  Such a sweet gift, I love having a house full. I never loved sleep overs in high school I think because I liked waking up in my own bed being able to shower and do what I normally did in the morning without disruption but I was probably a weird kid.

I remember when my leader would invite us over for sleepovers it was a little different because she was married and there would be about 4 of us but we would sleep on these giant floral sofas stay up kind of late and laugh and I just loved it, in fact I can't remember much about the sleepover but just loving it and loving being with her.... I don't know if girls really love being with me.

Here is where insecurity feeds itself, I know that I am wonderfully made by a God that loves me desperately that cares for me abundantly and the ONLY thing I offer is Him truly that is the only thing that is attractive about me but sometimes don't you just want to be liked? I am a 23 year old girl who spends the majority of her time with girls between the ages of 14-18... and I STILL seek their approval... I"M ALMOST 24! I could have a child of my own at this age and I still want high school girls to like me... we are crazy creatures.  I want them to want to be with me, to beg me to play just dance with them, to laugh at me and with me... but they don't.  I am not that cool... but here is what I have to believe is that its ok... there will be a time where they will want to be with me but I think the biggest thing is that I have to remember that my worth does not rest in their opinions of me.

I'm not cool, thank goodness... but today I hope I see the need to be an adult in the lives of adolescents not just an older sister who takes care of them... sometimes.

loving... this is for you mom.

Senior year of college Mothers Day.

I feel incredibly lucky a lot of my days and I think I saw that a lot especially as I blog but last night as I fell asleep the Lord just reminded me how incredibly loved I am and how lucky did I feel? 

 I'm not the best daughter to my parents, they love me so so much and I am sometimes too busy to call or thank them for ALL they do for me... and they do so much for me way more than many parents of daughters my age would do. 

Let me give you a little visual of Kay Hackett...1. she is a socialite 2. She knows everyone 3. She reads everything 4. She talk to anyone or anything, but she is the type of woman you meet and just want to talk to her forever, she is kind, sweet, sincere and INSANELY smart.  I think sometimes people can judge her because of her sweetness and not see how intelligent she is, but she is...  but the thing I love most about my mother is that she never judges. 

"Katie, this is what the Kardashians do in photos."

 I called her yesterday and we weren't talking about much but I told her how sometimes I'm just too tired to wash my face before bed, most people would be disgusted by me including myself, haha... but my sweet 5'5 Mama just said "When you want to be in bed, you have to be in bed."  That seems just like such a funny little phrase that can be passed by in conversation but I feel like phrases like that emulate my mother.  I know that sometimes she worries about me and my ministry that I don't have enough that I can't always do the things I want to because of money but she supports me and loves me in it.  She knows that my job is sharing Jesus with high school kids and even though that isn't something she is passionate about she cries with me when I cry over girls that are hurting. She laughs with me over stories of things kids have done and she is overjoyed to tell people about what I do (I am so thankful for that... more than she knows I think.)  I feel like my job is the most important thing in the world but the world may not, but my Mom loves that I love it. 

That is the woman I want to be like, she has so much compassion, so much love, and so much joy, and every ounce of her love is without judgement.  So Mom thank you for loving me when I'm not easy to love, thank you for supporting me always, thanks for the clothes, the times you said "you need to stay home today" when I was in high school, for laughter, for kind words, for knowing my heart even when I don't show it, for my car, for knowing I hate mushrooms, for buying pineapple salsa every time I come home, for listening, for crying, for talking, for always taking care of for telling me to take naps, for being a woman that is careful.

I love you Mom. 

i desire the lost...

Riane so focused.

Lauren learning some techniques.

Club was funny on Monday.  It was small but so fun, we screamed Adele songs, I brushed my teeth in front of club and Jacob dressed as a spanish magician from Milwaukee the typical young life club... but it didn't seem the same. 

We are going to Lake Champion this summer and I sat at Wendy's with a couple of girls who have been coming for a few weeks and I asked them if they wanted to come to camp here was their response: 

"Well I mean everything you show us just looks like its a bunch of fun and you don't talk about Jesus." I was thinking to myself... well no not quite but I realized in that moment we have few to no really lost kids coming to club... I went home so burdened, so convicted. 

I woke up Tuesday morning so uneasy... I don't know what to do, I don't know if I need to change or my techniques do but something has to happen. 

Obviously this is incarnational ministry and Jesus so often hung out with the broken, the messed up, the unmentionables of society and thats what I want. 

Monday before club I went with Stephanie to an honor society meeting (don't even ask how I got that idea) and as she handed out tickets to kids for a fundraiser, I saw girls that I would NEVER meet normally at a sports game and I thought... "where are these kids? How do I find these kids? Love these kids? These are the kids Jesus would have been with." So I desire the lost of Hickory and I don't know where to go to find the atheists, the drunkards, the adulteress women, the lame but I know He will show me where to go. 

For now could you be praying that the lost would come... not necessarily to club but that I would develop friendships and there would be a change? 

all I need- jj heller

I Don't need a thing
My good Shepherd brings me all
You are all I need

You let me catch my breath
Even in the valley of death
You are all I need

All I need to be complete
Is Your love
Your blood that covers me

You lift up my head
You provide the wine and bread
You, You are all I need

I don't know about you but I think I need a lot, material things, people, words, actions I always want or need something... way more than I would share with people.  I want people to think I do a lot, I want them to be impressed with me, I want to be acknowledged in this world, be told that I am important or needed.

This happens to me so often in my job with young life.  In our region people on staff are often asked to lead worship, to lead seminars, to run things, to be on assignments, to speak, to disciple, to train, to plan.  I am not asked, I fly under the radar and honestly I have never been bothered by this until I started planning our committee leader weekend and I realized how often I feel as though I am not needed.  I can make a spreadsheet, I can organize a crowd, I can pray, but I am replaceable. We are all replaceable... 

I listened to this song recently and its one I love because it reminds me of where my needs lay.  "I don't need a thing, my good shepherd brings me all" I read that and I can finally breath... and I can't believe I held my breath for song long believing there were other things that I needed.   Yes we are replaceable but when I stop finding worth in the lessons I give, or the words I say, or the actions or the things that are asked of me than being replaced doesn't seem so life threatening.  It seems life giving... I don't want to be known in this world because I offer nothing but I truly honestly want Jesus... I want Jesus to be known in me I want to bring His presence in every part of my life I want to honor and glorify him.  I don't want to be impressive on Young Life staff I want to to be impressed by Jesus and have him bring me to my knees and remind me He is all I need.  So if I get asked to leave chesapeake tomorrow and I am replaced I will know and believe that He is it. He is all I need. 

i will be at your wedding...

Every thursday morning I have bible study with some of my hickory girls. Every thursday I wake up so sleepy from sheville the night before and I think how am I going to rally and do this. Then I go... I walk into chik fila or starbucks wherever we end up meeting and I am so thankful.

This morning I was just so happy to be with these girls, there was such a long time where girls didn't get it, they didn't want Bible study or it was awkward and no one asked questions. Now they want it, they talk, we laugh so hard, we are living life together and its beautiful and I'm thankful to be in a chik fila with a group of high school girls... not many can say that I'm sure.

This morning was so precious to me... the girls got me a few christmas gifts and not just any gifts they got me "secret socks!" I told them one time when I first met them all that I loved socks in boots because you can mismatch or wear CRAZY ones and no one would ever know it was like a little secret with yourself, you could be all hipster and cute on the outside but deep down you had crazy cat socks on, they laughed... I'm sure it wasn't that funny (now that I typed that what a great analogy for sin, haha.) That was so sweet they remembered the "secret socks"...

That was just part of it the other gift was they made a collage of pictures of us and they wrote notes to me on it and framed it... I cried... I have never felt so loved... goodness I am sobbing right now as I type.

When I went on Young Life staff all I wanted was to be able to share Christ with girls to love them as Christ did and live life with them, be with them, and care for them as Carrie (my young life leader) once and still does care for me so that I would know Jesus' real love. When I went on staff it was hard... and it didn't feel like that all the time. I don't know if these girls realized how much this gift meant to me, reading their notes I just can't even describe the feeling. I feel like I have barely done anything for them which is true Jesus did it all and I am so thankful for that but it reminded me of when it was hard when girls didn't want to hang out or were too busy to... or when I didn't have anyone to say hi to at the football games... or when girls just stopped answering texts... and then it reminded me how worth it it all is... it always feels good to be loved but what I realized in this moment is that they knew Christ they know what it looks like to follow him to be cared for by him, for it to be hard to read the Bible but good to study it together... how lonely it seems and how full it all seems at the same time.

I am a broken mess, but some how they see Christ in me. I can't even describe the love I have for these girls... they are precious to me and to my life these are the girls that I will be at their wedding and their parents funerals I am in this for life with them.

So Steph Steph, Anne, Riane, Allie, Sydney, Bailey, Emily, Morgan & Julia thank you. I love you girls more than you will ever know and one day when I let you read these posts I pray you see how much you have loved me when you thought I was doing all the loving.

2012

This new years was spent in Blacksburg Virginia.

I packed up my little beetle last Friday and drove from Chesapeake to Richmond to Stuart's Draft to Lexington to Botetourt to Blacksburg to spend new years with my friends who I interned with at Rockbridge in 2010.  We worshipped, spent time with one another, ate, slept, didn't sleep, lit Chinese lanterns, laughed, danced, cried, glorified the lord... it was a really wonderful time. As always, I drove back to Chesapeake and all I longed for was to be home in #sweetsweetchesapeake.

Now I am sick... whats new! This post is probably much more for my memory then for others to read but enjoy these beautiful pictures!

the unknown

Chesapeake is special to me I can't say that enough.  It's where I have had my first job, its where I felt broken like I couldn't do ministry or this, healed wounds that had been open for years, fell madly in love with Jesus for real and forever, learned my gifts, learned my weaknesses, saw my sin,  felt selfish, felt loved, felt wanted, laughed, cried sobbed even, where I discipled, where I've been discipled, where I put thousands of miles on my car, where I went to football games, soccer games, softball games, chorus concerts, walked girls to class, where I stayed up until 4 talking to college girls about hurt about truth, where I prayed with high school girls to meet their savior, where all I could do was pray, learned humility, learned I'm prideful, where I realized that God called me here, where I realized its not about me, where I learned patience, where I learned that I love to love...

These are just small snapshots of everything I learned and have experienced here. 

I realize that the Lord only calls someone someplace for a time and the rest is unknown to us... how much do we hate the unknown? I am a control freak so I want to know everything all the time its where I try to battle with Him the most when I can't know until He reveals it.

  I am only here for two years,  and those two years are quickly coming to an end an end. Right now I don't know where I will be next year and of course the Lord could and might keep me here in Chesapeake but I don't know. Its hard not knowing but here is one thing I do know is that I will keep loving people into the kingdom. I know that I will keep falling in love with him and I know that I will keep striving to honor Him in all I do. For now I will just rest in the unknown and be thankful.